Therapist Confession #3: I Feel Guilty for Taking Time for Myself (But I Know I Need It)
Self-Care? Oh, You Mean Binge-Watching Shows in Sweatpants?
Self-care—an overused buzzword or an essential lifeline? We all know we should do it, but what does it really look like? More importantly, how do we know when self-care is actually helping and when it’s just avoidance in disguise?
PsychCentral defines self-care as “any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health.” That sounds great in theory, but let’s be honest—sometimes the things we call “self-care” are really just us avoiding the hard stuff.
Self-Care vs. Avoidance: What’s the Difference?
Make no mistake—taking care of ourselves emotionally, spiritually, and physically is vital. But I often hear self-care described in ways that make me pause. A spa day? A weekend away? Binge-watching Ted Lasso (fantastic show, by the way)? Are these truly acts of self-care, or are they just an excuse to check out?
For me, the difference is simple: Does this thing—whether it’s yoga, exercise, a night away, or a Netflix marathon—help me show up better for myself and those around me?
If it does, then yes, it’s self-care. If it leaves me feeling drained, guilty, or more disconnected, it’s probably avoidance. Watching a movie with my wife and enjoying some popcorn? That’s connection. Scrolling through social media for an hour to escape stress? Probably not.
The Pressure to Always Be “On”
There is a lot of pressure in the world today—busy parents shuffling kids from activity to activity, professionals trying to climb the corporate ladder or grow their own businesses, and the constant expectation to always be available. The pressure isn’t just external; we internalize it too. Social media makes it seem like everyone else is juggling it all effortlessly, leaving us feeling like we’re somehow failing if we take a break. Even the pressure to engage in self-care can start to feel like another item on the never-ending to-do list. It’s exhausting.
We need to take care of ourselves. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to take a weekend without the kids. It’s okay to set boundaries around work and personal time. It’s okay to not let little Jimmy be involved in three sports at the same time (something I surely would never do… er, wait…). We have to recognize our limits before we hit burnout. And when we do recognize them, we need to take action—because no one else is going to do it for us.
Confession: I’m Terrible at Self-Care
If you asked my wife, she’d tell you I’m not exactly the poster child for self-care. I tend to push through exhaustion, feel guilty for saying no, and convince myself that everyone else’s needs should come first. My mind writes elaborate novels about how asking for time to myself will negatively impact my family.
But here’s the truth I’ve had to learn: You can’t lead on empty.
You can’t be the parent, spouse, friend, or professional you want to be if you’re running on fumes. Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s the fuel that allows us to love and serve well.
So the next time you’re debating whether something is self-care or avoidance, ask yourself: Is this refueling me? Or am I just numbing out? It’s okay to rest, and it’s okay to say no. But let’s make sure we’re saying yes to the right things too.